This article is the second in our series around Tips for Leaning into Difficult Conversations. In our first article, we covered the topic of approaches to conflict, and specifically, being intentional about your approach when dealing with difficult situations. In this article, let’s talk about how to deliver difficult feedback.

“Feedback may be a gift, but constructive feedback is an investment.” – Brad Boyson

Once you have thought through the conversation you need to have with a person and considered the approach to conflict that you need to exhibit through the conversations, it is time to sit with the person and have this difficult conversation. Most difficult conversations circle around the truth that you will need to give some difficult feedback to that person. So, let’s discuss how to best deliver this tough feedback.

Tip # 1 – Be Prepared

You don’t want to go into the conversation cold and not know exactly what you want to say. Sometimes we can become emotional, and we start saying all kinds of things that were not what we wanted to communicate. Then you walk away and say to yourself, wow that isn’t even what I wanted to say. That’s not the main thing that I needed to talk about. The way to stay on track is to be prepared with your main messages. Write them down and find the words to use before you go into the conversation.

Preparation also means that you’re going to take the time to practice the conversation with yourself or with a trusted resource who will keep the information confidential but also provide you with some help in crafting your message. You may practice with someone who doesn’t know the other party, who can just help with getting the words out, figuring out what to say, making sure your tone and your body language match what you need to say and convey during the conversation.

Tip # 2 – Choose the Right Theme

Remember, timing is everything, and the first principle here is time is of the essence. Feedback, positive or constructive, cannot be a gift when it has dust on it. Consider if the feedback needs to be done within a day, or week or can wait until your next 1:1 update.

Additionally, choosing the right time and place to give that feedback is important. Giving feedback in the middle of a group, when you have third parties listening isn’t the right time to tell somebody something difficult. That will be escalating to the situation rather than deescalating.

Tip #3 – Be Clear & Own the Feedback

Our last tip is to be clear as you’re going through delivering the feedback and make sure that you take ownership of what you’re giving. This means for you to use I-statements when delivering the messages based on your firsthand experiences and the impact of the behavior on you. Do not make feedback about what someone else has said, as that will erode what you are saying. As you continue through the conversation, be sure to let them know how much you value the relationship that you have and empathize and acknowledge what the other person is thinking and feeling as well.

Using these three tips will ensure you are conveying exactly what you want to convey and not misleading the person in a very vulnerable position. Additionally, you are delivering this feedback in a way that is respectful and communicates your willingness to work together as you go forward.

Stay tuned for the next article in our Tips for Leaning into Difficult Conversations series that will be focused on inviting feedback from the other party.