Most people find it difficult to confront an uncomfortable situation. Most people will avoid it and do everything possible NOT to have that difficult conversation. Is that you? Think back on when you had an issue with someone or something lingering that wasn’t quite right. Did it ever get better by letting it continue to fester? My experience is never. It never just goes away on its own.

When conflict is handled appropriately, the relationship gets stronger. There’s a better bond between the working team members. There’s improved communication, and everybody will come out alive. It also sets the tone that our team can work through conflict and other situations successfully, making the team members more likely to lean into those conversations as they go forward.

However, when these situations are left unaddressed, it’s tough, and it doesn’t only impact those involved. It creates a negative swirl within the team. You have other people working within it, and they’re feeling this tension too. They are dreading being roped in. They are feeling the spillover of emotions from the tension not being addressed. It can destroy the morale of the team!

“Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict — alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence.”
― Dorothy Thompson

This article is the first in a series around Tips for Leaning into Difficult Conversations. Here I want to talk about approaches to conflict, and specifically, I want you to consider your approach to the conflict before having your next difficult conversation.

This taxonomy was developed by Kenneth W. Thomas and Ralph H. Kilmann.

Look at the Thomas Kilmann conflict model above, which places the approach to conflict on a scale of assertiveness and cooperativeness. It’s important to know that there’s not necessarily a good or bad style or a good or bad approach. Still, instead, again, it depends on holistically what’s going on within that situation.

Competing:  This is where you would take a very firm stance and refuse to budge until you get exactly what you want. So, this is not about someone trying to convince you that something’s different. This is instead about you being fixated on being right. You hold your stance, and you don’t budge at all. This is a personal belief or a value you have that you don’t negotiate or compromise. In my opinion, the only time you will want to use this approach is when it’s something that means a great deal to you, and you’re willing to lose relationships because of it.

Collaborating: This is about getting to a solution where everyone benefits, which is the best-case scenario. However, sometimes, it’s going to be the most challenging place to reach because it’s going to require there to be some sincere communication from all parties involved to express what they’re feeling, what they would like really as an outcome, and for there to be an honest conversation about what people are willing to do to get to this win-win situation.

 Compromising:  This is where nobody’s getting exactly what they want it. Both parties leave something desired on the table, but you can both live with the agreements and move forward. Just remember, compromise is not the best solution. It may be the only solution you can get to, but it’s not the best. The best is getting to collaborating, where everybody’s winning, and nobody has to give up anything.

 Avoiding: This is deciding not to address the conflict at all. You may avoid the person overall or the specific topics with someone to stay clear of what you perceive are time bombs. This could work if someone were having a difficult day one time or it’s a topic or subject that has nothing to do with you. However, if this keeps coming up or repeating itself, you have a real issue, and avoidance is not the right approach.

 Accommodating:  This focuses on moving forward and keeping the peace. If you are conflict-averse, this may be a remarkably familiar technique. You may disagree, but you’ve decided to do it their way as you go to create goodwill and not make any waves within the relationship.

Now that you know the different approaches taken with conflict, consider what your default style is, and if this serves you in your relationships. If not, you’ll want to think about how you begin to adapt your approach to the conflict situations in front of you.

Here are four questions to ask yourself as you’re deciding the right approach to the situation:

1. How much do you value this relationship?
2. How much do you value the issue at hand?
3. What are the consequences if you do nothing?
4. Do you have the time and energy work through this?

Once you’ve earnestly answered these questions, you can choose the approach that will best serve the situation, making you better prepared for taking on the conversation with the right attitude and mindset.

Stay tuned for the next article in our Tips for Leaning into Difficult Conversations series.